This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!”
Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king! I hope I didn’t brain my damage. “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.
They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day. Oh, so they have Internet on computers now! When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! Thank you, steal again. Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about! Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?* Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish! Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. I’ve done everything the Bible says — even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! I’m a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world. Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? D’oh.